Can I Offer You Some Feedback? - Episode #43

Show Notes:

Feedback should be a give and take in every conversation, with relevant information that can be applied. This week on the podcast Sara brings on Goren, a Senior Director of Workforce Development, as they talk about positioning yourself to receive feedback. It’s important to prepare yourself to listen just as much as you prepare to speak. Subscribe to this podcast today and so you never miss an episode! 

Episode #43: Positioning Yourself to Receive Feedback

Sara: Welcome to, Can I Offer You Some Feedback? My name is Sara, and this is the podcast for those who have a complicated relationship with feedback and are looking to hear from real people across industries and levels with their ideas, perspectives, and best practices on feedback. Before we dive in, I'd like to introduce our guest for the podcast today, Goren. He's the Senior Director of Workforce Development, and welcome to the conversation today.

Goren: Thank you, Sara. Glad to be here.

Sara: Absolutely. Well, let's kick things off with the main question of the podcast. When I say the phrase, can I offer you some feedback? What is your gut reaction when you hear that?

Goren: My gut reaction is, okay, here we go. It goes defensive. It goes defensive. And I think that's human.

Sara: Absolutely. I mean, most people I actually talk to do have that gut reaction, going to kind of defense mode and get ready for whatever's coming next. With that kind of mindset. I'm curious, do you prefer to be the giver or the receiver of feedback?

Goren: That's a great question. I think, Sara, first we have to position ourselves to receive feedback. It's really the attitude that you come into the conversation with. So that's a great question. I love to be the giver. If you're the giver, you're able to give voice to wisdom. But if you're the receiver of feedback then there's an opportunity to learn. All right? And who wants to be a know-it-all? So you have to give and take in every conversation. But that's a great question.

Sara: Yeah. And I appreciate that you're sharing, you know. But there's both the preparation aspect of, if I'm going to give, I better be ready to give wholeheartedly with that person in mind. But on the receiving end, I love it. You know, no one does like to know it all even though it sometimes feels good to have a lot of the answers. But then we're not being curious. We're not having questions about it and to see what I don't know and what could this person share with me that maybe I don't have a perspective on yet. So Goren, when you're thinking about feedback, do you prefer to be the giver or the receiver of feedback?

Goren: That's a great question. Let me put it to you this way. You know how I always come back with the attitude of gratitude? I think you need to be able to... you have to give to receive, right? Yeah, I'd love to be the giver of feedback because you want to have a voice of wisdom, right? But you also need to be able to receive feedback in order to learn. And in that whole process, Sara, I think it requires a little active listening. And there are so many components that define active listening. There's, how do you know if someone is listening to you? You can paraphrase, you could summarize, you could create some type of reflection in that conversation, you could emphasize the content or how you feel about it. But there's give and take. And I'll go back to really complicating the answer, you need to be able to give in order to receive.

Sara: Yeah. And I love that you got in an attitude of gratitude. And I do think that that's true. When we're talking about other people, if it isn't a dual partnership, if we're not both getting something and receiving something, then there isn't mutual gain there. Right? And it's not even a true partnership if only one of us is supplying or only one of us is receiving. So I love that perspective on it. When you're thinking about meaningful feedback, how do you, or what are some of the components maybe that come up when you think of meaningful feedback?

Goren: Meaningful feedback. The first thing that comes to mind, Sara, is feedback that's relevant. That is feedback that you can apply knowledge, wisdom that's relevant to you and you can apply it. All right? Or if you couldn't apply it, it wouldn't be relevant. You know what I mean? Why are you listening? It's in your interest, you know. So that's the first thing that really comes to mind with meaningful feedback if it's relevant and can you apply it?

Sara: Right. And I think that that relevancy, you know, some folks don't take the time to think about why does it matter, right? Why do I need to give you this feedback? Am I giving it to you just because it's not my preference or will it really make an impact for you? Will it really make a difference? And so I love that you're highlighting that relevancy as a key characteristic of that meaningful feedback.

Goren: Well, and let me also add this.

Sara: And I'm hoping you can share an example. Please.

Goren: You know, just to continue on that. I think the meaningful feedback, whether you're giving or receiving, it becomes problematic with the delivery. Okay? It's always the delivery. Okay? And that's what I think we have to work on in conversations and communication. Is someone open? And knowing how they're open to receiving feedback. Is it the right time to give feedback? And it's always the delivery. Some feedback can be tremendously great.

I had a boss that was just critical of everything that I did. All right? But when I erased all of the noise behind the delivery of the criticism and the feedback, and I actually channeled out everything and embraced what was being said and applied it, holy mackerel, it made a difference in my work, in my income. It made a huge impact in my life. Look, I earned enough to put a kid through college based upon the feedback that I didn't want to hear. So it can be good. But I think it's the delivery.

So meaningful feedback can come to you in a way that, oh my gosh, I cannot stand how this person is coming at me. But if you can get through the noise and absorb it as maybe constructive criticism or feedback, or take even the word criticism out of your mind, then you're working with something.

Sara: Yeah. And it's so nice that you were able to remove that noise filter on the how that person was delivering the feedback. Sometimes it's very hard to do that. I think on the receiver side it takes a lot of leadership maturity and experience to be able to say, you know what? This person was trying to tell me something, how they did it not fantastic, but there was something here. What can I learn from it? Right? Let me just take the content out and let me actually just hear that. I can process that, I can internalize it, I can think about it. I'm sure they were not waking up that morning and thinking of, what's the most damaging way that I can deliver this feedback. They thought they were being helpful. Right?

Goren: Exactly.

Sara: And so stripping all those pieces and parts aside, how do I take something from it, you know?

Goren: Great point.

Sara: I'm wondering and curious, sometimes I feel like I wish I could give out wishes. When we're thinking about people and giving out feedback, what's one wish you had for folks around giving better feedback in their lives?

Goren: Another great question, of course, Sara. I think they should follow... There's a concept called adaptive action. And it's really a fancy way of saying stay in the moment. All right? Don't try to bring in the past or anticipate the future. Because that's what's going to create a lot of anxiety. Stay in the moment. Focus on what is happening now. Okay? Pay attention to what you are observing. What do you know as factual to be... What do you know for sure? All right? What are you wondering about? This is a way that you can really listen and be entuned in a conversation.

And all of that goes into listening techniques. But so many folks get ahead of themselves. And I guess I got a little bit of training now because now I'm kind of forced to listen more. Okay? There's even an old way where when someone is sharing something, how do you know that there's nothing new that they have to say? Okay? And there's a technique to that too. But you have to give them voice. You have to let someone in the conversation share what is on their mind. You might actually have a great value exchange in doing that with the communication.

How do you know they no longer have anything new to say? Well, they may start repeating themselves in the conversation, the same points. All right? But at least you give them a space. You give them space, okay? And it just changes the dynamic of communication when the other person feels a bit more valued if they have a voice and a say in that conversation. So those active listening techniques. If I'm hearing what you said correctly, you summarize, you paraphrase, you show the person that you've heard them. And that simple gesture will take that conversation I think to another level where it will really be a value exchange.

Sara: Absolutely. And I love that you're encouraging other folk to think about, how do you show that you're here with someone? Not just in the conversation, not just preparing to respond really quickly, a little bit more of that combative listening versus active listening.

Goren: Right.

Sara: But Being in the moment, not the past, not the future, here right now, how do I hear you? How do I make it meaningful? How do we make space for it? How do I reflect back to you? Those active listening techniques you're talking about really show that other person, I am 100% hearing you. And it takes effort to do. I know one of the elements I think of with active listening is prepare to listen as if you would prepare to speak and how different that would be. Like what that would look like if you actually took that same amount of time to really hear someone and then formulate a reply. For our last question in our time together, Goren, can I offer you some feedback?

Goren: No, please. Please. Please. Show up on time next time, Goren.

Sara: Well, Goren, one of the... No, no, no. You're a very busy man. One of the things that I've been so appreciative of in our time partnering, working together in the space of workforce development is, when I see you leading a team, you have such an attitude as you said, of gratitude, but also an expansive idea of what is possible. And I don't mean that in the way as you're blind to the challenges, you're blind to the barriers, you're blind to the, you know. You are aware of the limitations, the capacity, the other things that are coming up.

But I feel in you when you talk about opportunities, you talk about new programs, new initiatives, it's all from possibility, right? How can we? How could we? What do you need? Right? I may not be able to give it, but what do you need? And really supporting from that perspective of how can we do this? Not, how can't we do this? Right? Why is this hard? And I know a little bit of that is kind of the ethos of how you run your team and how you partner with others in this work. But I think that that openness of like, how would this work, what that possibility might be, acknowledging, of course, the challenge. You know, we're not blind to that and not seeing that.

But I've always kind of appreciated and I smile every time I think about, you know, when you're like, "Okay, four new programs to run". You know, this excitement and enthusiasm around finding a way and managing to also get folks excited about it. I think that's a trait I've always enjoyed when working with you. You know, thinking about how could this work, how might this work? And please, share the feedback. Tell me what you need. I'll do my best to make it happen. I know I've been appreciative of that. I know your team a little bit too. I know they're appreciative of it, not to speak for them, but I hope that others who continue to partner with you and your group get to be able to see that as well. So, I know I'm grateful for that in our relationship.

Goren: I'm truly humbled by all of that feedback. And again, I think Sara that there's always an opportunity in every conversation to learn. Okay? But we have to listen. And the listening is not just with our ears. Sometimes it's with our eyes and listening to assess a situation how someone is feeling or dealing with it. One of the things that I want to leave you with is, and I get this concept from coaching. And I don't mean coaching adults, okay? I've had my biggest lessons in coaching when I was coaching fourth, fifth, and sixth graders that are going through all of these changes emotionally and this and that. I call them stretch goals.

And as adults, sometimes we need to stretch and go into areas that are not as comfortable for us. These are stretch goals. Create some stretch goals and try things that are new. This area that you're talking about, feedback is relevant to your work, your family, all communication that takes place. One of my stretch goals in my own professional development is and listening is questioning. All right? You know, really looking at inquiry differently and how do I frame questions differently where they're going to receive it and they're not going to be defensive. They're not going to think that someone's judging them. Right?

So when you're thinking about inquiry, for example, can you turn judgment into curiosity? Right? Can you turn a disagreement into a state of exploration? Shared exploration. Can you turn defensiveness into self-reflection? Right? And can you turn assumptions into just regular questions? These come from me challenging myself as a communications professional because that's kind of my trade in workforce development. I have to communicate. I have to be able to listen. I have to put myself in the backseat in order to get the best out of someone that's being serviced or coached. How do you make that person that you're working with, and you know this, the best that they could possibly be? So, you can't be in the forefront. You have to be in the background you being a champion of their needs, their journey, pushing their strength into a position where they can reach some state of desired change that's going to really make them happy and flourish.

Sara: Absolutely. And I love that you're kind of highlighting those opportunities for that transition, right? Moving this to this and making space for other folks, whether clients, whether peers or colleagues or other partners. You know, how do we change our perspective on that listening, on that feedback, and make it something that's beneficial for both of us? Right? Centering back to that partnerships we were talking about a little bit earlier.

With that in mind, Goren, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. And thanks to you for joining us in another episode of Can I Offer You Some Feedback? You can reach me at podcast@mod.network. We would love to hear from you on your thoughts on feedback, or any other perspectives you'd like to hear from next. As always, give us a quick rating on your platform of choice and share this podcast with a friend. And I'm hoping that tomorrow you take a chance and offer some feedback when it's needed most.