Can I Offer You Some Feedback? - Episode #57

Show Notes:

This week Sara brings on Adrianne who is an Associate Dean of Equity and Belonging. They talk about resonating feedback with a cord that already exists within yourself. Rather critical or encouraging feedback, it’s like putting a mirror right in front of you and having those “aha!” moments. Subscribe to this podcast today and so you never miss an episode! 

Episode #57: Creating Resonant Feedback

Sara: Welcome to, Can I Offer You Some Feedback? My name is Sara, and this is the podcast for those who have a complicated relationship with feedback and are looking to hear from real people across levels and industries with their ideas, perspectives, and best practices on feedback. Before we dive in, I'd like to introduce our guest for the podcast today, Adrianne. She's an Associate Dean of Equity and Belonging at a large university. Welcome to the conversation today.

Adrianne: Thank you so much.

Sara: All right. Well, let's kick things off with the main question of the podcast. When I say the phrase, can I offer you some feedback? What's your gut reaction when you hear that?

Adrianne: My gut reaction is typically a little bit of anxiety unless I really know the person.

Sara: Yeah. That context of who's it coming from? What's loaded in this? Who knows?

Adrianne: Absolutely. Absolutely. And how close are we related in relationship, right? And even that can be contextualized, right? Because there are some people who we are very close to and the anxiety might rise even more.

Sara: Yeah. When you're thinking about, again, that relationship context, I'm curious, do you prefer to be the giver or the receiver of feedback? And does it change depending on the relationship?

Adrianne: I think it really does. And depending on the relationship, probably my preference is to be the receiver depending on the relationship because I know that the individual has my best interest at heart. Now, if it is a therapeutic relationship, I don't mind being the giver of feedback. But again, that's contextualized.

Sara: Right. To sit on the receiving side for a moment, how do you reach out to receive that feedback? How do you request it?

Adrianne: So typically, I like to prepare people in advance, or at the least give them permission to give me feedback. So I say things like, "Feel free to tap me on the shoulder. Feel free to pull my coattail. Feel free to let me know that things didn't go as well as you probably thought they would have gone." So feel free.

Sara: Yeah. I'm hearing in that it's the invitation to provide, right? It's kind of like, it is consent in a way, but it's consent in the opposite direction. Like I'm providing you the space to be able to give this, hopefully, done in the most kind way. But please know that I'm open to it. Please know that I'd like to receive it.

Adrianne: Absolutely.

Sara: Excellent. When you're thinking about feedback, how do you describe or define meaningful feedback?

Adrianne: So meaningful feedback, I believe is the kind of feedback that resonates with a cord that already exists within yourself. It's when you have that aha moment. It's when the light bulb comes on for you. And I recognize that that doesn't always happen immediately. Sometimes it happens at 2:00 a.m. and you say, "Oh, that's what they meant." So feedback is most meaningful when it resonates with a chord within yourself.

Sara: I'm wondering then when you're reflecting on it, it sounds like not all the time, but it's an after the fact. Like I've received the information, the person has taken the time to share it with me, but I need to sit with it and maybe some different kind of ways. And it might be days later, months later, but there's a moment where maybe it clicks.

Adrianne: Absolutely. And sometimes it is immediate, but other times it could be days later, right? When you have this, "I get it. I get it." And that is almost like planting a seed. A seed of feedback, which perhaps in the moment makes no sense. But days later or weeks later, the light bulb comes on and we get it.

Sara: Yeah. I'm wondering, Adrianne, could you share an experience where you've seen meaningful feedback delivered or you've experienced it or you've provided it?

Adrianne: Oh, so I'm trying to think of an example right now. Yes. Yes. I went through a program here at the university in which I had the opportunity to select specific individuals to provide feedback to me about my leadership. So on one hand, it was risky in that I was asking for feedback. Again, it was that notion of giving consent. On the other hand, it was less risky because I was choosing the individuals who would provide feedback. So, the stakes were low in some areas and then the stakes were high in other areas.

So the individuals that I selected, they really took it upon themselves to provide authentic feedback. They really did say, so Adrianne, these are areas where I see you are very, very strong, and Adrianne, these are areas where I see you could improve tremendously. So I received both critical feedback and encouraging feedback. So both sides of the spectrum or both ends of the spectrum, I should say. And it was very helpful. And I could see it.

So going back to that notion of some of the comments resonating, I could see it and I could feel it very deeply within my core. And I really needed someone. It was as if they put a mirror right in front of me and I had those aha moments and I was able to take corrective action very quickly.

Sara: What you're describing is reminding me there's a leadership tool called a 360-Degree Assessment. And you have the opportunity to reflect on yourself and then you invite your boss, you invite your peers, you invite your team that you supervise and the intent is to provide a full rounded view of your experience.

And one of the things that I find is, if let's say I do this with a large group, there are some participants that play it safe. They pick people that they know are "on their side". And so on the surface they think that this is going to help. But I'm hearing in your example, I'm not saying this was the exact same thing, but to take the chance and to open the invitation of this is more meaningful if you provide real feedback, an opportunity for me to improve.

Adrianne: Absolutely.

Sara: Again, no one doesn't like hearing how good they are, but help me see the mirror, help me see the other side. And that's an invitation that you can put to people, but you can't necessarily make them engage in the risk as you were saying of inviting people to participate in a different way.

Adrianne: Exactly.

Sara: As you're thinking about, feedback if you hoped that, or you were wishing that people could do one thing better regarding feedback, what would it be?

Adrianne: It would be to sit with whatever feedback was offered to us. And not only that, look, you only asked for one and I'm giving you two. Always take it with a grain of salt. Take it with a grain of salt. You don't have to become anxious or defensive. Sit with it, take it with a grain of salt, and glean the good stuff. Glean the good stuff, right? So if there's an area where you can take corrective action, do it. It only makes you a better person. Do it, right? Sit with it, take it with a grain of salt, and glean the good stuff. That's three.

Sara: I appreciate it. Maybe I should rephrase the question, provide at least one. I love an extra tip. We can include one or two, so I very much appreciate that. Being that you're in a position of leadership in your institution, your organization, I'm curious if you could share a little bit about how you enable others to share feedback with each other.

Adrianne: So, again, I would encourage other individuals to always ask permission first. So one of the ways to do this is when an individual knows that they may be struggling with something, one of the things that the individual who's going to be offering feedback can say is, do you really want to know? I have some thoughts, but do you really want to know? And it goes back to that notion again of asking permission. So before we dive in, is this something you really want to know?

And I like to preface it in that way because if it gets a little sticky, again, we've opened the door for its stickiness ahead of time. Because it can get a little sticky or a little dicey. And I really gleaned that notion from my children. And I have adult children. And sometimes they would say, "Well, just tell me. Mom, just tell me." And I would always say, "Do you really want to know?" Because if you don't want to know, we don't have to have the conversation. But if you want to know, I'm willing to have the conversation. So I think all parties have to be open to this notion of truth-telling that comes along with feedback. All parties have to be open to it. So I hope I'm answering your question.

Sara: Yeah. I mean, I'm hearing in that there's the answer and then underneath it, there might be a different answer. Like the surface level, like quick moment, superficial, but it's the curiosity of what's really the question here, or what are we really trying to get at that, again, invites less of a transactional conversation.

Adrianne: Exactly. And there is the emotional impact of the answer. So you have the answer, but the answer always has an emotional impact. Like you said, we're always open to good news. We know what the emotional impact of that is. It feels good. But what about the emotional impact of a critical response or critical feedback? Ouch. Right? Are we ready for that? And that goes hand in hand with, do you really want to know? Right?

Sara: Excellent. Thank you for sharing that. For our last question in our time together, Adrianne, can I offer you some feedback?

Adrianne: Absolutely.

Sara: One of the things that I've very much appreciated, and we've only crossed paths a few times. I've seen you facilitate, I've seen you present. We've had the opportunity to speak a few times. And each conversation we've had, I have walked away with really feeling like I've received the gift of your time. And I know that's a little bit of a phrase. But it has the feeling that I've had and that I feel like you've created the environment in which this feeling occurs of the space, the reflection, the different pacing, and again, that push to, do you really want to know? Like, are you just asking or are you asking?

And it's a different feeling than sometimes I have on the average meeting or average conversation. But each time we've either had lunch or had a quick conversation, I've really felt that. And I can't imagine that's unique to me. But I know. I've very much appreciated it and I hope that your team gets to see that. I hope that in all the various intersections of your life that other people also have. I know I've enjoyed that feeling. I hope other people get the opportunity to really feel like you are 100% in the conversation And you're pushing it to be better.

Adrianne: Wow!

Sara: And so I know I've been very grateful for that, I very appreciate it, and again, hoping that others get the benefit of that as well.

Adrianne: Wow! That is very encouraging and it feels very much like the opportunity to just be in the moment with whoever you happen to be engaging with at that particular time and space. So thank you. That is very encouraging.

Sara: Excellent. Well, Adrianne, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. And thanks to you for joining us in another episode of Can I Offer You Some Feedback? You can reach me at podcast@mod.network. We would love to hear from you on your thoughts and feedback or any other perspectives you'd like to hear from next. As always, give us a quick rating on your platform of choice and share this podcast with a friend. And I'm hoping that tomorrow you take a chance and offer some feedback when it's needed most.