Can I Offer You Some Feedback? - Episode #45

Show Notes:

This week on “Can I Offer You Some Feedback?” Sara is joined by Director of Operations and Personal Coach, Amy Glazer. They talk about the importance of fostering feedback to empower people, for meaningful results. Removing defenses and setting clear expectations can lead to feedback that is transformational. Subscribe to this podcast today and so you never miss an episode! 

Episode #45: Setting Clear Expectations for Feedback

Sara: Welcome to, Can I Offer You Some Feedback? My name is Sara, and this is the podcast for those who have a complicated relationship with feedback and are looking to hear from real people across levels and industries with their ideas, perspectives, and best practices on feedback. Before we dive in, I'd like to introduce our guest for the podcast today, Amy. She's the director of operations and a personal coach. Welcome to the conversation today.

Amy: Thanks for having me.

Sara: Absolutely. Well, let's kick things off with the main question of the podcast. When I say the phrase, can I offer you some feedback? What's your gut reaction when you hear that?

Amy: Honestly, I love that approach. I'm not a huge fan of the words constructive criticism because I feel like it puts you on defense, right? And most of the time when somebody's going to offer feedback, we are hoping that it's coming from a place where they really want to help make us better or make the situation better. So, that is not cringe-worthy to me. I actually appreciate that.

Sara: Yeah. And I don't know what happened where somewhere along the line constructive became negative, right? It doesn't have to be that, but I think whoever's in the marketing department for constructive needs to come back and revisit how it's being used.

Amy: Yes.

Sara: But when you think about feedback, do you prefer to be the giver or the receiver of feedback?

Amy: Well, honestly, I like to get feedback on what I'm doing because I want to make sure I'm on the right path, right? And I want to make sure it's fulfilling whoever asked me to do X, Y, Z tasks. That it's up to par. So, I appreciate getting feedback. I'm probably good at giving feedback in a way that doesn't feel icky, I would say. You know, years and years and years of working with volunteers, you want to empower people. You don't want to suck the life out of them. And sometimes you can do that when you're constantly coming back and you're critiquing or giving feedback. And so, I think one of the biggest keys is setting something up from the beginning creates a whole lot less of having to continue to go back and meet the expectations because you started to set them from the beginning. So, either side is fine. Yeah.

Sara: And I love that you're providing that as long as the expectation has been set, it's fine on the other side, right? Really setting it up front. I'm hearing a little bit of that coach in you who wants to set out from the beginning, you know, what are we doing here? Right? Are you open to receiving the feedback? Are you open to me giving it and vice versa? Right? It certainly doesn't need to be one directional. But I'm curious, when you think about feedback, what makes and how do you define meaningful feedback?

Amy: To be honest, I think some of it has to do with the relationship that you have with the person giving the feedback, right? It's a lot easier to receive feedback from somebody that you know is on your team who wants to see you succeed, who cares about what you're doing and why you're doing it. And so I think that's a key piece for me. I think when you don't have that relationship, it's much harder. It feels more critical maybe. And I know myself, I'm sensitive. I may seem like the tough girl exterior, but I really do want to make sure that everything is pleasing to whoever that I am working for. Right? So that's something that I personally have had to work through, is being able to receive feedback without taking it so personally that it kind of cripples me.

Sara: Right. Again, just because it doesn't look like it hurts doesn't mean it doesn't.

Amy: Absolutely.

Sara: Maybe its a bit strong, but in the sense of like, sometimes it's hard to get the feedback. It's not always, you're awesome, you're super great all the time, just keep being you. Sometimes it's something you need to adjust or change and it's taking the time to really think about, okay, does this person have good intentions? Did we set the expectation up front, and how do I process this best so that I can really hear what I'm talking about.

Amy: Yeah. I think the awareness piece is huge, right? Whoever gives you feedback even if you don't have the best relationship with them, I have learned to kind of take it, set aside my personal feelings and try to look at it objectively. Is there something there that I do need to pay attention to? Or is this more of an issue on the person giving the feedback, right? Because that can also, sometimes people can project. So, if there's something there, I want to be aware of it. But instead of getting caught up in it, I do what I can and then I move on. Right? I think that's important also to make sure that you're, you know. Because not everybody who gives feedback is giving good feedback.

Sara: Right. Or giving it just because someone had a reaction to something doesn't mean it was about you. Right? To your point. Maybe it triggered something in them, maybe it provided some insight. Some folks don't know that they're projecting and so, what about what I did? You know, felt uncomfortable. Not to flip it on them necessarily, but to open the dialogue of, again, we're working together on this. I'd love to know what exactly was kind of challenging or interesting or transformative about that conversation. I'm wondering, could you share an example or an experience of a time you've either seen meaningful feedback delivered, or perhaps you've been the person doing it?

Amy: You know, I think one of my favorite things to think about is I was a softball player growing up, right? And I loved the sport and I had some natural talent in it. But you still had to work to be great. And you know, if my coach had just said to me, just go out and do whatever you want. You know, you live on your natural ability, see if you can be successful just in that, I probably would've been moderately successful. But because I got feedback on how I'm standing, how I am holding my back, how I am catching a ball and how to use my mitt, and what does it mean to be able to throw the ball further?

If I hadn't had that feedback, I wouldn't have been great. And I'm so grateful for that. And so again, I kind of go back to that. How open are you to feedback, right? And then who's giving the feedback and what is the intention behind it? I think that sums it up when we really think about if we're going to listen to it or not.

Sara: And I think that, you know, I also played softball for a hot minute. Well, definitely not the skill level that you probably had. But I think that in athletics, whether a formal sport team sport, solo sport, the coach's ability or trainer, or whomever the role is to provide that feedback is critical. And you mentioned on the glove, on the bat, on the catching, on the throw. I mean, the list goes on and on and on and it has to be delivered constantly and it has to be delivered ongoing.

And I'm kind of thinking back to, there's so much feedback you get in that setting. You know, being a player, being a team member, and not just from your coach or trainer, but what, what if organizations were like that, where you got that volume of feedback? Probably overwhelming initially. But on all different aspects of doing the job, which feels maybe more concrete when you're thinking of being a first baseman or being a pitcher or being a batter. You know, there are distinct elements, but regular work is not that different as far as the amount of variables and kind of how that works.

Amy: Mm-hmm. Well, you know, that's interesting that you bring that up because I think about this. If we were invested in the people that worked around us and wanted them to be the best, what a different place our workplace could be. If we can create those kinds of environments where if you mess up, you're not in a complete panic mode because you want to be experimenting. Because if you're experimenting, that means you're trying new things and that means it brings good things to the business.

But I feel like we live in this place where if you mess up, people are in panic mode, right? Like they'll just get rid of me and hire somebody else. And that doesn't foster an environment for even wanting feedback. It more terrifies you when you feel like you're getting feedback because, oh no, am I going to lose my job over this? And so it would be wonderful to find a balance in there. Because it is important, right? You're not going to be perfect on everything. But if other people are around you who are like, "Hey, I've been here before. Let me help you," that's way different.

Sara: And I wonder at what point of starting the role that people start having that fear. Like when folks are in their first week or their first month or their first year, you know? There's a point at which you're still new at this. Like you've never done this thing before. Yeah, you may have done it somewhere else, but you've never done it here. And why do you have to be perfect the first time around?

Amy: Right. That's a great question.

Sara: Yeah. If I were, let's say, in the business of giving out wishes, what's one thing you wish, you know, fantasy Sara, what's one wish you might have for people to do one thing better regarding feedback? What would it be?

Amy: I would love it. I guess maybe this is more of a personal thing and something I've had to learn and it's been hard not to take it so personally. So, being able to see feedback for what it is and not take it to the core of who I am to be able to decipher between the two, it's taken me a long time to get there. I hate to say it. But man, I wish I could go back to my little 21-year-old self and tell that girl a few things. Right?

Sara: Right, right. But would she have listened?

Amy: Oh, probably not. You know, rebel spirit. No.

Sara: Yeah. And, and that's certainly that separation, right? This feedback is coming to me about me, but about how I did something, not about who I am. And that is hard when you're the person doing it to make that separation.

Amy: So true. So true. Especially if you're a people pleaser. I know there are a lot of you out there that are like me, who are people pleasers. I've tried to tame that back, but there is still that initial kind of knife to the heart. Then it's like, okay, let's talk to my inner monologue here and get some healthy thoughts in there because what I'm thinking is not helping.

Sara: Right. Especially if you don't have someone else to balance that off of and to get that confirmation or validation of like, is this actually true or is this just what the one person thinks?

Amy: Right.

Sara: For our last question in our time together, Amy, can I offer you some feedback?

Amy: Please.

Sara: Excellent. I was kind of reflecting on the number of years that we've had the opportunity to chat and talk and a number of different types of settings. And one of the things that I always value and I always keep coming back for is because of, at least from my perspective, the vastness of the types of people that you've had the opportunity to talk to, you have such a gentle way of challenging many of my assumptions. I have a lot of thoughts on how things should be, or how they ought to be, or how I think that they're supposed to be. And then you're like, why? You know, it's a simple question of like, it doesn't have to be like that. I'm like, "Oh, I guess it doesn't have to be like that."

And that challenging of the assumptions and the expectations and it's never in a judgmental way, which is also nice. Probably why I keep coming back. But I think that the benefit of being able to share in what you've seen other people do, how you've seen it work. And due to the nature of your role and the work that you do and the thousands of people that you've worked with, you've seen so many different perspectives. And so, it's been very helpful and I hope that others also get this benefit from you.

It's been very helpful to hear that the should and the must and the has to are made up in my own mind. It doesn't have to be that way. What do you want? And you that openness in an invitation to think a little bit differently, I've really valued and I hope that others get the benefit of that as well because I can't be selfish and keep that all to me. But I know I've been appreciative of it.

Amy: Oh, thank you, Sara. That is such a nice feedback to hear. And I appreciate it. Sometimes it's a good reminder that people see things in you that you don't see in yourself. So that's also something to think about on the positive side with feedback. So thank you for that.

Sara: Absolutely. Well, Amy, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me, and thanks to you for joining us in another podcast of Can I Offer You Some Feedback? You can reach me at podcast@mod.network. We would love to hear from you on your thoughts on feedback, or any other perspectives you'd like to hear from next. As always, give us a quick rating on your platform of choice and share this podcast with a friend, and I'm hoping that tomorrow you take a chance and offer some feedback when it's needed most.